Raj Editorial - from A Way of Life Issue 12.3   |   Text View

The room is lit only by candles, the voice of Jayem embraces my mind and soothes me.  He is speaking of the opportunity for spaciousness in our 24 hour Shabbat period, Friday evening until Saturday evening where I will rest and allow God and Holy Spirit to have dominance over that ego mind that usually keeps me so busy.  This weekly ritual is a feature of life at the Bali ashram.

As I drop deeper into the feeling that is welling up, I caste a glance back over the expression I chose, was given to me - the energy I had agreed to live in during the past week - 'Delicious Expansion' and what occurred for me as a result.  For this 24 hour Shabbat period, the word, 'Wonder' came up and I look back upon the orchestrations of Holy Spirit as circumstances and people changed and opportunities appeared as if by magic all around me.  Delicious indeed!  New words are coming now for the coming week, I seek to quiet them - it is not time yet I say, and still I know everything is linked - 'To live and experience beyond my wildest expectations', and in that moment I am so deeply ashamed. 

I am ashamed at my smallness, my limitation of God flowing out through me.  For an instance I feel so deeply how much of a conduit I could be were I to be unrestricted, uncontrolled, to really let myself go.  And as I touch that feeling all of this past week unrolls before me like rewinding a video, apparently unrelated sequence after sequence showing me in different guises my own story of limitation.  And I am so humbled.  With intense humility I clearly see God's wish for me AND I see my reluctance to allow all that is possible, to occur through me.

How glibly I have used the expressions, "Edging God Out" in describing the ego, or the action of "Slapping God in the Face" without ever truly feeling the depths of pain that surround the recognition of the truth that these words hold, what it means to deliberately choose to be against God, the Universe, the Force or Whatever's desire for me. I realise that if I am not for something, then I am against it!!

Wow, how could I be so restricted?  I asked for 'Delicious Expansion', I received fully, and I dropped into 'Wonder' as miracle after miracle unfolded in perfection and I remain separate - an onlooker almost, a witness to the magnificence yet still not part of It, like a visitor to an exhibition, not a participant at all which was my REAL purpose.  Oh, how could I have been so blind not to see and feel the calling that has been waiting for me?

And look, this issue, so aptly named, "Passion of Christ".  This is exactly what I/we are being called to feel and to be.  Certainly I now feel that passion rising in me as I see the vast potential that could be real-ised through me.  There is nothing to do, it is just ALL done through me, I have never done anything, I see that too - every accomplishment, every success in my life occurred only because for a moment I dropped my guard and allowed God to pour through before, in fearfulness of That power, I slammed the door shut lest I could not control it.  Hard fact to accept but I know it to be true. 

As I ponder, memory flashes come to mind, times past that I am often anxious to share that were tough when suddenly a breakthrough, shortages of money and then magically, abundance.  Life stress and despair followed by blinding opportunities, relationship struggle then perfect unity and companionship.  Every single example demonstrating nothing more than MY opening occurring in the moment of my desperation when I couldn't fix the problem and let go, and I allowed God's Love to burst through.  Not miracles at all, just the way it is on that side of the 'curtain'.

In the past year in particular I have been shown how it is when I have no attachment - Bali Outreach vs. our business.  I see demonstrated over and over the magic of the Flow in the Bali adventure - a continuous stream of miracles unfolding and potential difficulties evaporating in front of us.  While the business too enjoys Flow, it is not of the same frequency and I notice the difference.  Bali is effortless manifestation.  

It can only be myself who pulls away from God.  God is already here expressing through me to the degree that I choose how much of That One I will allow out.  I am 100% responsible for every moment when I choose to control the flow of Love into the world.  If I don't allow Love out - the only other option I have must be fear.  Am I willing to truly look God in the face and acknowledge what I have done and what I do?  How do I apologise to God?  Must I fall on my knees and ask forgiveness? 

The words come quick, words I have seen and heard a hundred times and never really embraced - 'Now, we begin!'  No, I don't have to do anything - except to feel my overwhelming denial of my Father's Love for me and choose again.  My Father does not judge, My Father does not know guilt, My Father does not even know forgiveness - My Father knows only Love. 

If you haven't guessed yet, this is seriously BIG for me and I write in the moment.  The question only remains, "Will I change now - will I let go?"  Will means my desire - is this then truly my will? Can I do this? Am I ready?  These are bloody HUGE questions and I am amazed at the fear that they unleash!  

Tomorrow, I go into this coming week with 'To live and experience beyond my wildest expectations'. Let us see what unravels if I hold true to that……..

And so it is in Bali where I write this, we are in that week and still I am unfolded.  First again in LovesBreath sessions when I feel the depth of my being and then as my 'story' unfolds more for me and I know that I am being called to move to another 'holon', another step on the Christ Path.. 

I write this because in so doing, through sharing with you I may find the necessary leverage to get myself to choose always for Peace.  At morning Darshan, I face the truth of my core issue - that moment when first the 'pulse' occurs in which I am propelled to move to the 'world' in response to some deep fear rather than to the spaciousness of the 'Kingdom', to love and peace.  Like an addiction, the 'pulse', that which I have come to associate with the spark of life - excitement, is in truth just my ego mind grabbing me and pulling me into doing, making, pushing!  Swimming upstream in struggle, rather than floating downstream in ease with the current.  Why would I even entertain the idea? It is nothing more than patterned behaviour - an ancient birth experience where I was forced to push and fight to get out and now that pattern after 60 odd years is ingrained so deep.  How can I choose anew? 

There is only one way - through my DESIRE being stronger than the pattern, through my PASSION for the Love of God being deeper than the surface 'getting' of the world's rewards.  I am in at the deep end of the swimming pool here.  Sure it's easy to ask, "Would you rather have Peace or Struggle?" - the answer is obvious - or is it?  The alcoholic faced with the same choice has exactly the same problem - how to break that pattern?  Where he takes another sip, I refuse to engage to take time - in meditation, prayer, breathing practice, contemplation.  Always the 'pulse' of the excitement - the fusion whereby the mind inserts the 'more urgent matters to attend to then we'll get into that God stuff', which of course, never happens.  I see no difference between my addiction and the alcoholic's, except that I am playing for much greater stakes than just my LIFE.  I am playing for ETERNITY - now that does require PASSION - THE PASSION OF CHRIST!

And so I have come to understand the depth of this issue's theme and what it asks of me, of each of us.  Am I/are we really willing to move into that space, that passion? Or are we playing the ego's 'game of spirituality' - the gathering of information, the ideas and concepts to share with friends and family and never really changing anything at all?  After 12 years of the awareness of what is available I see and now feel, so clearly the resistance in me to truly moving into Oneness.  Publishing a spiritual magazine, running spiritual tours, events, workshops and retreats doesn't cut it unless I do the work.  God, Jeshua and other names might be in my mind all day, I may use many quaint phrases and terms and know all the formulas - yet where am I really?  That quantum leap has not yet been taken by me, I straddle the void.  Am I willing to let another lifetime go by without turning and letting the Flow carry me, isn't 60 years of struggle enough?

I have been shown so many instances when I have allowed the 'veil' to part, or something with infinite compassion, parted the 'veil' and I have tasted the Magnificence of the Kingdom which is my heritage, and I am passionate about this Journey.  The PASSION OF CHRIST is before me - will I become the Lover who returns that passion back to the Creator?... and then the big question, "If not right now then WHEN?" for as Jeshua says, in the Way of the Servant,

"And still, the Father waits, abiding always in the purity of his Light,
Rejoicing in the perfection of his Son,
Waiting for the child to make one simple, quiet choice: to awaken!"

How long will I keep Him waiting?

Blessings,

Raj

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