Raj Editorial - from A Way of Life Issue 13.2   |   Text View

Today, it's time to write my editorial for this issue - as I awoke this morning the 'fog' of the last couple of weeks continues.  Total confusion about myself, my beliefs, this so called 'spiritual journey', the validity of all I do, or what I don't, who is doing or got it right or not, which teacher is best, whose modality for healing really works.   Am I alone? I think not, anyway here is how it started for me …….

David's Retreat in Noosa, while being a great all round experience left me feeling strangely 'uncomfortable' in my discovery that I was really in joy of my life!  How can feel 'uncomfortable' about that you might ask?  To be working in this mysterious field, where I can freely share my truth and that of others with people, to be a connector benefiting many through bringing 'family' together, my travels and the variety of teachers I get to meet and play with, the never ending stream of adventures that colour the pages of my life.  All really great and then, wham, I realize that I am seriously attached to it!  No, I mean really attached to it and desperate that it doesn't go away or change.  I'm as stuck as the man desperately attached to his brand new BMW or the English poodle or the grand children!

Smug in the thought that I had resolved most of the 'letting go' stuff, I now discover how neatly the ego had boxed me into 'owning' something as simple as 'my life" or how about this even?..…"my desire to give and be helpful".  You see, I realize that my en-joyment is conditional on my behavior and making sure that the status quo does not change.  So where is the freedom in that? I realize that approval from others still affects what I do and how I do it.  No chance of thinking or being myself for better or worse.  I discover I am reluctant of taking a leap for fear of loss or rejection.  No flow, no spontaneity, no self love, no self worth.  Hello! Its wakey wakey time!

This discovery led me to realizing the need to be fully vulnerable, to drop considering how others would have me be.  Suz actually said it best this week in a realization that she had, when she said the only option was to 'fall in love with myself'.  While we are ever dependent on anyone or anything outside no matter how 'spiritual' or altruistic it may appear we are 'shutting God out".  'Give it all to God and keep not one thing for yourself' is often spoken of, yet this can be very difficult. 

I remember asking, at a table gathering in Noosa, who wanted to be truly awakened in this lifetime? Everyone hands shot up, when I then asked if they were willing to let go of the value they placed on everything and as we ticked off the car, the house, the grandchildren, the money, the relationship, the super, still some holding in there, but when we got to beliefs and values gradually all our hands came down.  It's real tough this willing to be fully vulnerable.  I have a friend, several in fact, who live right on the economic edge, some not even knowing where the rent will come from this week, some where they will sleep each night and remarkably, they are still able to stay in that space of complete openness and trust that they will be provided for, and they always are.  Surely if they can do that, so can I.  It doesn't mean I have to commit economic and physical 'hari-kari', but it does mean that I do have to cease doing things that will protect me and keep me safe.

That moment of realization where I saw I was still playing it safe in so many aspects of my life must have started the chain reaction of unraveling.  One morning, I sat in conversation with Pania when all of a sudden I was aware of myself pushing on a membrane, best description I can find, I felt as if I was entrapped in something close, warm and comfortable.  This is wide awake in the middle of a business conversation mind, not in meditation or a dream, and I started to relate what was occurring as it happened to me. 
The membrane parted easily as a I pushed, no tearing, no struggle and I 'fell' or slipped into a huge cavernous space that had no sides, no top or bottom, wasn't dark and wasn't bright white lights, just nothing to relate to - no boundaries or points of reference.  Well, I can report that it hasn't gone away and the days have passed with no change in the feeling and the external world is reflecting perfectly that spaciousness.  Yes, it is great and wonderful, but for an active person, one who is used to doing something, having plans unfold and making things happen it can be very disconcerting.  It isn't though; it's actually OK as I sit in wonder with what is - nothing happening.  Not so much the lack of activity, but I can't string a conscious thought together - my beliefs, my understanding, and my values have all taken a tumble.  Not a good moment for counseling you might think, yet the gift in this experience is that I, of myself have little if anything to offer, so whatever comes must come through me.  Right now, I truly am unable to make a judgment call on anything. How perfect. What an experience indeed!

And speaking of that word, 'Experience' - Someone once asked me - "When are you going to give back to God that which is God's?" I didn't understand and asked for clarity and was told, "Discover the sum value of your life experiences". Even though that question was the One that changed my life back in Sedona in '96 and started my spiritual awakening, I don't think I truly 'got it' until this morning,

I realize now that all my experiences are simply God's experiences.  I had assumed they were mine and like most, I had in the moment judged many dramatic experiences as undesirable and because I identify so much with the body, I had taken them for myself.  Not only that, many have been buried in the body and I refused to let go of them.  You see, when we talk of giving back to God all of our life, it does really mean ALL OF IT - not just the attachment to things or people that support us, but also our attachment to things, maybe even people that keep us confined and …most especially to our past memories and those experiences that we are still clinging to and identifying with.

It was in the moment that I realised that experiences - both those I had judged both good and bad, belonged to God, I saw the TRUE value of  Experience.  I even thought I was at the effect of my experiences and I had it completely backwards as usual.  Every experience I have ever had - every one - was there for me to grow through and from, and therefore, 'The Gift is in the Experience' or you could say 'The Experience is always The Gift'.

I always love Alan Cohen's writings - so clean, clear and concise - one article in particular, "From Dirt to Soil" really appeared in synchronicity while providing loving support to a friend in need.

"The pain in our lives proceeds not from events that occur, but from our judgments about the events. The part of the mind that thinks it knows how things should be is extremely limited, confused, self-contradictory, and basically delusional. To use that ego as the guideline for how to live is to needlessly limit and condemn ourselves and the world. When, on the other hand, we suspend our negative judgments, we free ourselves and each other, open the door to escape from the prison of resistance, and literally set our feet on the lawns of heaven."

Alan Cohen sums 'Experience' up perfectly..."Likewise, the manure of your life is excellent fertilizer. You just have to know where to put it and how to use it. "

How many of us have so many awesome experiences to share and so much to offer to others and yet we refuse to open up and let them go?  Is this what real healing/loving is all about then- releasing back to God the sum value of our experiences so that they might be used the heal, to love others? 

As Barry Long tells us….."To be conscious of experience is to be free as an uninterrupted state of  personal consideration, which adds up to being free of fear. It also means being free of aimless thought and bothersome emotions. You are then innocent - and life is seen without interpretation for the simplicity it is."
Could it just be that simple?  Doesn't Jeshua say somewhere that it doesn't have to hard or painful? It is only in giving that we receive, and in sharing 'our' wisdom, we become It and in so doing we "set our feet on the lawns of heaven"  It's just God seeking joyously to extend Itself.

Love and Blessings, have a Great 'Experience' with 'The Many Facets of Love' ……en-joy it all!

Raj

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