Suzanne Editorial - from A Way of Life Issue 12.1 | Book View
Opening to a higher power – what on earth am I waiting for?
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Suzanne Editorial - from A Way of Life Issue 12.1 | Text View
Opening to a higher power – what on earth am I waiting for?
Suz: Sara said to me just now “It’s funny; a lot of people think the higher power is outside of them and it’s not, it’s deeper inside.” That caused me to pause and reflect on my experiences over the past months…….
It has been about two hours since I wrote those two lines. For those two hours I have been writing about things outside of me, or distracting myself with things outside of me. Then my friend, Sara, walks back in. I tell her that I am stuck, distracted and want her to read what I have written. She takes my laptop and starts to read.
Sara: Do you mind Suz, if I write something? I would love to write from the beginning, from the place that is the truth that is the higher power. I would love to share my deeper place with everyone.
Suz: Absolutely.
Sara: Right now, I realize that I can choose to keep looking at the outside or live in my own truth and simply go deep inside.
My mind wants to give me a list of what is in there. So I stay with it, following the cookie crumbs to a place deeper inside. I close my eyes, see the list and take a breath. My awareness drops to my heart and my belly. Staying present, I become aware of a feeling of softening. My breath is gentle, my jaw relaxes and I sink ever so slightly into the lounge. A smile appears on my face, just a slight one, one of delight and innocence. In this place everything feels gentle and loving. My whole Being wants to talk now, telling you of all of the wonderful experiences I have been having, getting to know my higher power over these past few months. I take a breath and relax a little deeper.
A desire arises, to go into meditation, to a place of stillness and deep rest. So I follow it. Can I write this editorial and continue going deeper? A voice in my mind says, “Yes, all is one.”
My belly feels strong, soft and clear. The whole lower part of my body follows, as if I am instructing it with my awareness. I feel a surrendering as I move my hips forward, take another breath and my belly softens even more. I am aware now of emotions, a tinge of sadness. The cookie crumbs are becoming easier to follow. I sit with the sadness, welcoming the feeling and the innocent smile appears across my face again. This is a place of deep knowing. In this place I know, somehow in my entire body, that I am not alone, that I am never alone, that I have never been alone and can never be. With those words I become aware of tightness in one spot near my heart. “Follow those cookie crumbs.” It is as if my body is guiding my journey to a deeper place. The tightness near my heart comes again, as if it is something about my deeper knowing. I feel a sense of being abandoned. I realize that the deep place of knowing that I am not alone can enfold this sense of abandonment. That smile has become a cheeky one with a little giggle.
A deep breath and I am aware of many places in my body as well as emotions. My body is softening more and more with each deep breath. My emotions are showing themselves to me, like small children looking from behind dark corners to see if they are about to get into trouble for hiding. My only job now is to welcome it all. WELCOME!! Tears fill my eyes as I suddenly feel welcomed. In this deep place all of me is loved and cherished. I can surrender all of my struggles and simply be with whatever is happening. I feel a presence of something all around me, from my inner world, wrapping me with love, and now surrounding my body, in my outer world. I start to wonder if there is any distinction between those two worlds. In this moment they feel immersed in the one love.
I expand my attention to include Suz and I am distracted, jumping straight into thought, as if my mind is separate to all of those experiences. What will it take to return to that depth and stay with the awareness of my friend? Take a breath, feel into my heart, into that deep place of knowing, and then I look at my friend again – she is in that deep place with me. I feel a rush of excitement as I experience her presence with me. Oh, My God – I am truly not alone. In my deep place resides everything!! As if I am once again being guided by my awareness (there is something in that), I feel deeply connected with my friend, deeply in love with how much I love her. My attention then moves to me – can I love me in this place? There is a pause and yet again, that funny little smile appears – in this place there is no question of love, for in this place I am love. She is love. We are all love.
What is my experience of that love? I feel solid, spacious, connected and generous. All is allowed and welcomed in this place – and this place is inside and all around me. Once upon a time I imagined God was like that – a place where I was so beautifully held in the arms of love. And here I am. Suddenly I wonder if I have gone to a place so deep that I may not come back out. ANOTHER COOKIE CRUMB! So I take a deep breath and relax, the answers I do not need to know. This place deep inside myself is me, is you, is all – we are love. We are love all of the time; we can’t separate from it that would be like living without air. It is impossible! It is what we are made of, who we are.
Suz. So now perhaps I can finally write this editorial, now that I have traveled to myself, experienced the simple truth, now I can get back to business and write something witty, deep and impactful. That great little smile spreads across my face and I laugh out loud. Sara joins me; there is no better way to spend my time than connecting with our truth, our love. We are simply being together and then I realize that this is my editorial, a living experience in the relational plane.
I start to explore with Sara again, because I realize that I have been holding onto something, a habit that sometimes paralyzes me, the root of the idea that, I am separate.
Sara: So here is my invitation to you – choose now. Don’t wait. Don’t waste another moment thinking that you are separate or alone. What on earth are you waiting for?
Suz. I do it by believing that there is something outside of me……it’s the mind. I keep letting it pull me back into sadness and story, instead of letting the flow of life wash through me and pass. There is a strange aching in the tissue of my body, a stiffening at the base of my throat, a willingness to have seriousness stay in the room…..why? What could that possibly ever bring to this moment, this moment has no relevance to what has gone before, it’s like a sticky memory habit, a virus in my system All I have to do it choose for it not to be so, a small smile plays around my lips again. Who entertains the ego but I? So what does it take to shift it? I have to admit that I and I alone create this. Time to do something completely irrelevant to break this amazingly stupid habit…..so we go jump in the pool!
It is Monday morning and I come back to my computer, pondering this habit of falling into the horizontal plane. Trying to find the truth of me in the World, and I realize that I am in fact fighting for my very life. While ever I entertain negativity, worry about what appears to be going on around me I am worshipping that above God, and I pay the price. I pick up the Way of Transformation, and read from Chapter 18, regardless of the myriad of stories of supposed experience, moment by moment the Truth is as simple as this:
“I and My Father are one. Only Love is real, and Love, alone, heals. My commitment is to the reality of Love. Therefore, Father, bring each moment to me that I might learn anew to love, and allow that Love to transform a temporary illusion into that which extends the good, the holy and the beautiful.”
Love Suzanne and Sara
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