Suzanne Editorial - from A Way of Life Issue 12.3   |   Text View

The Passion of the Christ!......Hmm so how do I become the Passionfruit? Last issue I shared with you what had come to my attention relative to Consciousness…..that Spirituality and Consciousness were not the same and now I have become cognisant of another layer…..Awareness!

Spirituality is my innate self, it is perfect, there is nothing that I can do that will contribute to Spirit, therefore I do not need to become more spiritual.  Spirit is my essence and it is quite different to my Consciousness.  Consciousness is my alibility to know mind and relate to it, to know that I Am, examine my existence, think, make choices, create, express myself, change my mind, all of which separates me from all other life on the planet.  Consciousness enables me to be a superior animal.   Does it make me complete, whole and at Peace?   No, that requires Awareness.

At the end of Palpable Forgiveness last year a number of facets of my ego were brought to my attention, and the evidence was something like, - the degree of aliveness that I express when shopping, how animated I become when I am decorating and creating, my attachment to my home and environment, my attachment to my appearance, my propensity to be nice.  'Barbie Doll' was the term that was offered, all of which when examined felt somewhat shallow and embarrassing.

Reflecting on it all and feeling the smallness of it I resolved to change, to change my mind.  I came home with the intention of selling the house, getting rid of everything and changing my relationship to stuff.

We didn't end up selling the house, because it wasn't necessary, because I changed my relationship to the house, we had a huge clean out and resolved not to be attached.  I did such a great job that the house became an inanimate thing.  I weaned myself off shopping, simply deciding that I wouldn't give it space or money any more.  I set my money to flow into other things.  I simply withdrew myself from any of my living environments, so that they were no longer important to me.  I looked at all my financial attachments and did  similar surgery.  Dusted my hands and congratulated myself that I had taken care of the whole thing.

I arrived in Bali and threw myself into projects to do with the College and just kept doing the day to day work on my journey…….revelations here and there, all the while however there existed a gnawing hole, because I didn't actually feel any closer to God.  I had let go of so many things, yet nothing had changed.
I didn't really miss the things, because there is so much flow and excitement in my life but I didn't feel the depth that I thought would come with my new spaciousness and freedom.

Part of my involvement in the Ashram has been to help with some of the upgrades and decorating and I really love it, love seeing environments come alive with colour and expression.  When I came to fixing my unit, I got it painted, put in some soft furnishings and decided to leave it at that.  I certainly didn't want to fall into making it beautiful and becoming attached yet again. Clue!
  
The last three months in Bali have been amazing, learning to ride a motor bike, spending time at the College, tutoring the English Classes, raising money, opening a Café in the college, working with Wayan and Iluh, every day alive and rewarding.  The Ashram has been vibrant with visitors, the programs, Darshans and creativity.  Still there was something missing!

Toward the end, the culmination of a great stay was the Women's Retreat with Sara, and five other sisters. The whole five days was wonderfully challenging, deep work as we faced our fears, using breath and enquiry, amazingly connected to each other, even our birth stories interfaced.  What became apparent in my processing was how much I work with my mind under pressure.  Where does that leave me?  In truth clueless, because the mind doesn't actually have the answers.  It also means that in moments of vital decision making, I cannot find the answers in my body ……..which is where I have access to Holy Spirit, that quiet inner voice, with surprising answers and Holy wisdom.

I have cultivated the ability to numb out and leave my body rather than live through discomfort until I make my way through to being comfortable with anything.  Consequently my anger/passion/fire and I have become strangers, 'enter the nice person'.  By not staying in my body I have become disconnected from the subtle and not so subtle clues in the body and my intuition.  So when I start to process I go back into the mind and try to apply spiritual truth.  Viola - the spiritual ego.  The part that thinks it has the answers and does a good job of applying the apparent rule, Eg; I will let go of my feelings around things that I love and by being dispassionate will cease to be attached, and therefore safe from loss and the discomfort of radical change.  No one will be able to look at me and say "She is shallow and caught up in possessions, love of the material, dependent and superficial".  I had simply listened to the words that came to me and took the symptoms to be the problem.  I made assumptions and took action as a result of my judgement of myself.  No wonder I haven't felt the authentic depth and freedom.  I haven't felt, period! 

Something else that I have started to be more aware of is the presence of my inner critic.  This is the set of negative verbal cues I have internalized from my parents and they stay under the surface in the mind, ever ready to give an opinion at any time.  They sound like a voice for rationality quite often, but they have a negative edge and I hadn't realized how much of a home they had made.  The nature of my ego-mind works in right and wrong, so instead of simply making an adjustment when I have a realization there is a tendency to feel wrong, think that others are wrong as well.  This is erosive and unproductive.  The realization of the chemical changes and separation that sets up in my body as a result of this kind of thinking is alarming, destructive and corrosive.  For example, when I discover a pattern like the one above, instead of feeling excited, wondering how the realization might help me to discover a new way of being, I feel guilty and compelled to do something to fix the problem.

The real Truth is, I need do nothing, doing won't help.  As it says in the A Way of Life, "Rest assured then, whenever you feel frustration and anxiety, it is because you have decided not to trust the Truth.  And the Truth is simply this:  Only God's plan for salvation can work for you.  Your way must always fail, for your way begins with the illusory and insane assumption that you are a separate being from the mind of God and must, therefore, direct your own course.  For if you are sick and diseased and not at peace , why would you decide that you know how to create peace  It requires great humility to accept the first step of the path:  "I have done all this; I must undo it.  But I have no idea how I did this.  Therefore, I must surrender to something else"  Jeshua Ben Joseph

The truth is I don't know how to sort out where I find myself.  There is no general answer, not even metaphysical wisdom that can be applied as a rule that will simply solve deep subconscious compulsion.  There is no move that I can make on my own that will restore Love in my Life, save that coming from Holy Spirit's guidance, and I can only find that in surrender, with breath, fully prepared to feel and stay in my body.  All my efforting to correct my judgement of myself as 'wrong' was a total waste of time and energy that eventually brought me back to 'Now I begin'.

All my passion, creativity, excitement and deepest Love for anything or anyone is perfect.  It's fine for me to have it all, feel everything, alive, wild and happy.  I don't need to stop anything, restrict anything or contract in any way.  I just have to be prepared to fully feel and let everything go all the time, to risk all for Love, without holding back, without trying to be sensible, careful or fearful or what might stay or go, or what anyone might think or say.  Live free and happily, or not happily, but understand that nothing in the realm of time and space has any importance or validity, or is worth hanging onto.  It is not what defines or shapes me; it is not the source of Love. It is the risk that brings the aliveness, the excitement, demands that I breathe big and be bold.  It's funny how even the thought of this wakes up cells and awareness in my body, the sense of Aliveness.

I am learning that when I discover what I still hold that is unlike Love, I can be in wonder.  I can give it to Holy Spirit and say "I surrender; I am ready to change, show me how".  By being soft and accepting, using the Beatitudes and Breath I can be carried to the understanding and the perfect answer.  This is Awareness.  Awareness is understanding that doesn't come from the mind.  It comes from the expanded, fully relaxed resting at ease in the whole body-mind field, opening to the witness self and allowing the answers to come from Holy Spirit.  Awareness comes from letting connectivity and intuition lead, allowing the body to speak and reveal that which I have masked from myself, the deepest and darkest secrets of the soul that are the roots of the ego.

It is ironic that all of the emphasis on learning to understand Truth and refine my consciousness, has been counter productive to my deeper knowing, the ability to stay fully present and witness what the body and intuition can teach me.  Awareness proves once and for all, "That there is nothing outside of me" and all is Holy Perfection.  There never was and never can be a wrong, no need for fear or guilt or shame, just a constant refining, while I am held securely in the arms of Love, taken from one unfolding to another and the difference between the two is Heaven and Hell, Love and Fear.  So simple, so simple.

The unfolding of all of this has been amazing.  Even the detachment that I created to things, has served me because it broke the habit I am not moved compulsively any more, I can Love things from spaciousness.  The desire to be at home in my whole body-mind field is changing my relationship to breathing, using Love's Breath I am opening to listening to my body and being alert to my intuition.  A new level of wisdom has settled and I understand even more deeply that there is nothing outside of me.  I am relaxed and feel the Love that holds me.   

Love Suzanne

Add to: del.icio.us | Digg

Comments (0 posted):

Post your comment

Your name:

Your e-mail address:

Your website:

Add your comments:

Please enter the code you see in the image:

Image:

Code: